F’ing Christmas Gets the Song It Deserves

This is what this stinking holiday needs. Not Mariah Carey, Not David Bowie and Bing Crosby’s macabre pairing – but a Christmas song loaded with sexual innuendoes. Finally, a holiday song I can get behind.

Billboard has the exclusive:

http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/6386018/steel-panther-christmas-song-premiere-stocking-song

 

Get it on iTunes: http://smarturl.it/SPStockingSong
Get it on Amazon Music: http://smarturl.it/StockingSong_Amz

 

WATCH: Gia Giudice’s Pedobear Approved Music Video

What in the name of toddlers and tiaras did I just watch.

RHONJ convict Teresa Giudice reportedly laid out 10k despite bankruptcy issues and a looming jail sentence for this piece of shit. Obviously Teresa understands that the world needs to sexualize more children.

Teresa, look at Mama June because that is your future. Make sure you have the brain bleach and hankies ready. You will need the latter for when you crawl into a fetal position and weep for humanity.

Special surprise cameo at the end by the greatest star to come out of the Real Housewives franchise to date.

Mötley Crüe Farewell Tour at Jones Beach – REVIEW

One of my favorite bands from yesteryear, Mötley Crüe, stopped by Jones Beach on a stop on their Farewell Tour promising a setlist filled with fan favorites for a spectacular goodbye.

I miss THESE guys.

I miss THESE guys.

It should have been a great, fun show.

It wasn’t.

Where to begin?

Let’s start with the band itself. We all know that the Crüe has had problems amongst themselves over the years, and their lack of stage chemistry made that pretty evident. At no point did they interact or even acknowledge each other.

It seemed to this longtime fan that Vince, Mick, Tommy and Nikki are doing this strictly for the cash. I’ve seen more people drag their sorry asses into their 9-5’s with more gusto and enthusiasm than these guys.

Tommy’s “drum solo” consisted of constantly calling the audience “motherfuckers”, playing to pre-recorded music while his drum kit traveled slowly up and down a rollercoaster track. If his goal was to confuse me and create a bathroom break – mission accomplished! The rollercoaster theatrics are just as tired as I was.

Nikki’s greatest accomplishments during the evening was shooting fire from his bass and telling a story of how they all got together. Poor Mick was the only one that seemed to be taking this seriously. Unfortunately, he has the mobility of a rock. Still – he tried.

And Vince. Oh Vince. You disappoint me so.

Singing seems to be extremely laborious for the aging former reality star. I only include “aging” because it seemed like a fun adjective to use. There are plenty of other middle-aged vocalists whose age doesn’t factor into their entertaining, energy or voice.

Sure, Stephen Tyler or Jon Bon Jovi do not have the same vocal range they did at 20, but they still know the lyrics to their own music and genuinely enjoy themselves onstage which is far more I can say about Vince.

 

He reminded me of DeNiro at the end of Raging Bull. A fat, washed-up, breathless jerk desperately trying to appear relevant. It’s the Farewell tour and this guy couldn’t bother to rehearse? This was the first concert that had me aching for lip-synching.

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Vince, show us with your arms a measure of how much you suck.

He seems to only want to sing the nouns in lyrics. It’s ok that he can’t hit the same notes he did – I don’t expect him to. But I do expect him to remember and sing every lyric to the best of his ability.

During “Shout at the Devil”, which they should have opened with but instead, inexplicably opted with the crap Saints of Los Angeles, I was so distracted and annoyed but his lack of singing and enthusiasm that I almost wish Nikki aimed some of his fire launching at Vince. We all know he wanted to.

Too bad, Nikki. You missed your shot.

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Prepare To Get Your Heart Broken By Yellow Yarn [VIDEO]

This was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. It’s a video by James (remember them? BUT SHE ONLY COMES WHEN SHE’S ON TOP)

Like all drunken college things, they appeared to have grown up and become aware of their mortality, hiring the amazing Ainslie Henderson to create something for their video. The result? Heartbreaking.
Did I mention the yarn?

 

Moving On from ainslie henderson on Vimeo.

Best Cover Songs: Dancing in the Dark Edition

John Legend visited Howard Stern the other morning and performed a bunch of his songs. Yes, there are people that still listen to Howard Stern and that person in me.

The one song that’s been haunting me, however, is not one of Legend’s originals. It’s a cover song originally performed by Bruce Springsteen, who I can’t stand.

I grew up in the 80’s which meant I was attacked by the video for “Dancing in the Dark” constantly. Yes – the one that Courtney Cox is in.

I’ve heard this song so many times that I never really paid attention to the words. I just glazed over and waited patiently for a new Duran Duran video. I had no idea how bleak the lyrics were. They’re so dark and melancholy that I immediately fell in love with it. It’s amazing what some piano can do.

If The Boss is this depressed, than I might start giving his stuff another listen. Or it might just be better if other people kept covering his songs. Actually, yeah – let’s go with that.

Edited to add the first time Legend performed this on Jimmy Fallon, which is amazing.

Best Cover Songs: Baker Street Edition

Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty. This quintessential 70’s song is somewhat of a paradox – It is simultaneously the best and worst song existing at once; it’s relaxing with underlying a sense of urgency; manly and wussy; vadge rock’s ying to cock rocks’ yang.

 

 

Does the sax make it more badass or more annoying? Is it kickass or soothing? Irritating or relaxing? I have no idea. But it’s uneven and perfect.

I hope scientists study this aural anomaly and apply it to pop stars like Rihanna to even out the suckage with something delightful.

Enter Foo Fighters’ amazing cover.

Dave Grohl recognizes and respects the duality power of Baker Street. However, he knows that the sax part is unparalleled and wisely decides to not match it with another sax. Instead he uses a guitar for the sax part and the result is EFFING BANANAS!!!

He updates the lyrics somewhat with our despondent protagonist giving up the “crack” instead of the “booze”.

 

I was always thought of Rafferty’s voice to be something of audible ambian; staying at an even, mellow, calming keel. Grohl’s unique voice, however, also contains this subdued tone but he also can switch to an intense, despairing growl howl.

In the hands (and instruments) of the Foo Fighters, I think this song becomes what it was always meant to be: an intense accusation born of despondency and hopelessness. (And an awesome addition to my running playlist)